3 wakes in a span of 1 week.
That has got to be some kind of strange and sad record right? Someone call Guiness please, because seriously...I have not eaten that much Aroz Caldo and various "wake food" since I was like 10 when my lolo died. My dad and I were wondering why in almost all the wakes they serve it. My mum's theory was because it was an "all nighter" type of thing, so you need something that's hot to wake you up, heavy to satisfy your appetite, and because it's pretty easy to eat.
Anyway, the sister of my Lola died last night at around 5 something in the afternoon. She was wake number 3, and today was the first day she was in Loyola therefore we came to visit. The whole clan was there. I know you've heard this before like a million times, but it's very very very sad that it's a known fact that only when there's a death in the family, will every single member show up. It's bizarre that it takes someone's life to actually bring everyone together to commemorate the memories we've shared with the person who died.
Another thing that entered my mind was how it's weird and somewhat annoying that something inanimate can "outlive" the living. I bought yougurt from the grocery store a few weeks back, and it says that it's expiration date was a week from now. I bought that yogurt when my lola's sister was still alive...and now, it's still there in my fridge staring me in the eye and Lola Ging's...well...dead.
When someone dies, all we're left with are memories and hints of their existence like their perfume, or their favorite TV show, or the song that you both would sing at the top of your lungs in the car whenever it would play on the radio. You hold on to these things and try to remember what it was like to have them right there beside you...breathing...living.
Going home, I was listening to Peyton Sawyer's podcasts again... and she was talking about her birth mother's death. She mentions this line...
I guess she was trying to say that one minute her mum was alive, the next thing she knew...she's dead. But you know, this doesn't only apply to the dead... it happens every single day to the living. Relationships die even if you're still alive and kicking due to certain circumstances, changes, and situations. That's life as we know it. Everyone knows it, some just choose to deviate from reality and pretend that things like these don't exist.
Denial. That's what it's called.
You deny that you've lost someone to death.
You deny that you've lost someone to another.
You deny that you've lost someone period.
But denial doesn't help that much. Believe me, I would know. When my grandfather died when I was 10 due to lung cancer, I would pretend that he would still be there on the couch in Paco (that's where my grandparents lived) watching TV, eating an apple which he always places on a silver bowl and a pearing knife in hand. He would glance ever so often to where my cousin Cheng and I were sitting and would call us by our nicknames... "CHENG and POKS". I never looked at his pictures after he was burried. I thought it would make it easier for me. That's how I dealt with his loss, remembering him through happy memories, and not through pictures where he looked sick. And I was fine. Until one day when I saw an old picture of him accidentally while browsing through my cousins stuff. And he was smiling, and healthy, and happy. I did shed a few tears, and realized that there was no use in burrying his existence alongside his "life".
And denial for losing someone who's alive? I think that's the most painful kind. It's not like God put a stop to your relationship, because it was either yours/hers/his choice to do so. Sometimes it's still mendable, but you just don't mend it. Others are just totally unfixable. Do you believe that? That something besides death can't be resurrected.
I guess it's fine to deny things at first if it will help you move on. But there comes a point where you just have to stop denying and face the truth. Because it only holds you back from so many things. You could've used the time you've been denying the truth for something more useful which might've made you happy.
Anyway I'm rambling. But death does this to me. Both the real kind of death which is the losing your life type, and the death which happens every day to the living. Whatever kind of death that may be. Let me just end with this
That has got to be some kind of strange and sad record right? Someone call Guiness please, because seriously...I have not eaten that much Aroz Caldo and various "wake food" since I was like 10 when my lolo died. My dad and I were wondering why in almost all the wakes they serve it. My mum's theory was because it was an "all nighter" type of thing, so you need something that's hot to wake you up, heavy to satisfy your appetite, and because it's pretty easy to eat.
Anyway, the sister of my Lola died last night at around 5 something in the afternoon. She was wake number 3, and today was the first day she was in Loyola therefore we came to visit. The whole clan was there. I know you've heard this before like a million times, but it's very very very sad that it's a known fact that only when there's a death in the family, will every single member show up. It's bizarre that it takes someone's life to actually bring everyone together to commemorate the memories we've shared with the person who died.
Another thing that entered my mind was how it's weird and somewhat annoying that something inanimate can "outlive" the living. I bought yougurt from the grocery store a few weeks back, and it says that it's expiration date was a week from now. I bought that yogurt when my lola's sister was still alive...and now, it's still there in my fridge staring me in the eye and Lola Ging's...well...dead.
When someone dies, all we're left with are memories and hints of their existence like their perfume, or their favorite TV show, or the song that you both would sing at the top of your lungs in the car whenever it would play on the radio. You hold on to these things and try to remember what it was like to have them right there beside you...breathing...living.
Going home, I was listening to Peyton Sawyer's podcasts again... and she was talking about her birth mother's death. She mentions this line...
"How can you go from something...to nothing just like that?"
I guess she was trying to say that one minute her mum was alive, the next thing she knew...she's dead. But you know, this doesn't only apply to the dead... it happens every single day to the living. Relationships die even if you're still alive and kicking due to certain circumstances, changes, and situations. That's life as we know it. Everyone knows it, some just choose to deviate from reality and pretend that things like these don't exist.
Denial. That's what it's called.
You deny that you've lost someone to death.
You deny that you've lost someone to another.
You deny that you've lost someone period.
But denial doesn't help that much. Believe me, I would know. When my grandfather died when I was 10 due to lung cancer, I would pretend that he would still be there on the couch in Paco (that's where my grandparents lived) watching TV, eating an apple which he always places on a silver bowl and a pearing knife in hand. He would glance ever so often to where my cousin Cheng and I were sitting and would call us by our nicknames... "CHENG and POKS". I never looked at his pictures after he was burried. I thought it would make it easier for me. That's how I dealt with his loss, remembering him through happy memories, and not through pictures where he looked sick. And I was fine. Until one day when I saw an old picture of him accidentally while browsing through my cousins stuff. And he was smiling, and healthy, and happy. I did shed a few tears, and realized that there was no use in burrying his existence alongside his "life".
And denial for losing someone who's alive? I think that's the most painful kind. It's not like God put a stop to your relationship, because it was either yours/hers/his choice to do so. Sometimes it's still mendable, but you just don't mend it. Others are just totally unfixable. Do you believe that? That something besides death can't be resurrected.
I guess it's fine to deny things at first if it will help you move on. But there comes a point where you just have to stop denying and face the truth. Because it only holds you back from so many things. You could've used the time you've been denying the truth for something more useful which might've made you happy.
Anyway I'm rambling. But death does this to me. Both the real kind of death which is the losing your life type, and the death which happens every day to the living. Whatever kind of death that may be. Let me just end with this
"Sadness is, and sadness was and sadness will always be because comfort comes around from the strangest of men."
-Psychic hearts by Thurstone Moore
-Psychic hearts by Thurstone Moore
I hope that in our darkest days, and in moments when we feel the saddest (is there such a word?) of the sad, we find the strangest of men to help us cope. A family member, a friend, or a mere stranger. It's true what they say you know...sometimes, all you need really is just one.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oh and it's been raining non-stop. I'm not sure if that makes me happy...just because.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oh and it's been raining non-stop. I'm not sure if that makes me happy...just because.
So what have I got to prove
And what have I got to lose
When your not worth fighting for
And why am I feeling down
While your out messing around and you're
Not worth begging for
And what have I got to lose
When your not worth fighting for
And why am I feeling down
While your out messing around and you're
Not worth begging for
Labels: death, random rants, sadness, thoughts