If you've been to my house, you've probably been inside my room. For those who have not, let me paint you a picture (Forgive me, for I can't paint to save my life). My room is di-colored. Royal Blue, and Slug Bug Green (Like the VW Beatle). There's a story behind that, but I won't dwell on it right now. Atop the walls are black music notes (To the tune of "lupang hinirang" haha) on pink lines that were printed out on sticky paper. My ceiling is stone wall white, and so is my study desk. As you enter you will locate my very small library on your left filled with my favorite books, and a whole lot of BSB videos. My huge ass debut poster is plastered to the green part of my wall beside the door that leads to my balcony (ala romeo and juliet). Lastly (My bathroom is another story), you'll see my bed...well more like my stage. It's actually a platform with a queen sized futton placed as a make shift bed. There are actually 2 steps which lead to my "platform/bed" because it's about 3 feet high. Can you see it yet?
My messy room after a day of shopping.
Didn't I say it was a huge ass poster?I do collect a lot of things (shades, headbands, keychains etc.), but everyone knows how much of a magazine freak I am. Every month I buy seventeen and if there's anything else I like, I purchase them as well. I realized about an hour ago how much I've accumulated and on my stage like bed, the magazines really look all cluttered and...well messy. So I decided to categorize them once more and tried to put some order back in my reading materials.
As I was drowning in pages filled with shopping tips, beauty products, famous actresses and models, etc. etc. I found several other items. My old school notebooks from way back in 1st year Highschool, and two of my journals from the year '06 and '07. I set them aside, and after cleaning up the rest of the pile I sat down on the floor of my bathroom and flipped through the pages of my past.
I kept laughing at my entries, and was actually surprised with some of my test scores (Nagkaka 4.0 pala ko in Chem subjects!). Besides the usual school stuff, of course were the little doodles of everyday events like "Lesson learned for the day:...", "Today we watched STEP UP", "My new sched for the 3rd term (of 2nd year!). I would also occasionally have a candy wrapper stuck to the pages because it was given by someone special and of course tons of Happy birthdays here and there with matching pictures.
What I loved the most though were the quotations I got from TV shows, or my favorite lyrics from particular songs. There were also sayings I made on my own, which after reading, transported me back to that very moment and allowed me to feel what I actually felt at that time. One such saying was this:
"Let's always remember that sometimes we just have to stop pushing ourselves to love or be loved by someone. Sometimes we just have to be alone to be able to think about what we really want in life, to be able to realize what or who will really make us happy. Sometimes it is only when we start loving ourselves that we are able to realize that real and lasting happiness starts from within ourselves and becomes even more complete when we share it with someone who truly loves us..."
I pondered on it for awhile just to see how it affects me at this very moment...in the right now. So here's what I've come up with: Maybe I dove in head first too fast. Even if I did tell myself that I wasn't wounded, or hurt (And I believe that I still wasn't) I didn't give myself time to heal. I didn't give myself time to asses what went wrong, or how I could avoid the same mistake. I just let go and watched myself stumble into a mess I knew was coming all along. It felt good to just "fall into it", but then it also hurt big time when I crashed too soon.
People change, in a minute, in a second. I know I've changed even if I haven't felt it. I now know that I owe myself some alone time. Time to reflect, release, and figure out my next step into the future I'm about to embark on. I need some "me" time, and then eventually I'll allow someone to step into my world and share it with him. But as of right now, just like what the quote of Trina '06 has said
"...I should find time to be able to realize what or who will really make me happy."
I painted my nails bright yellow today. It may seem a little off topic to you, but not really. I spent about 30 minutes trying to make it look all professional (It still doesn't though). That's 30 minutes spent by myself doing something that I actually liked. I guess I already started the me time without even realizing it. Yay me! :)
Do I seem familiar,
i've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times,
no more camouflage
I want to be exposed,
and not be afraid to fall.
i've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times,
no more camouflage
I want to be exposed,
and not be afraid to fall.
Labels: inspirational, thoughts, trina